Masthead header

For Vendors

Some of the best vendors I’ve ever worked with from left to right, Rev. Kim Cannon, a bald dude with cameras, coordinator Erin Hadaway, Chef Heyward McKenzie, and DJ Vaughn VanAmburg at the Destin Bay House, Destin Florida.

Dear Wedding Vendors,

To those of you who bust your backsides far beyond what is required of you on a regular basis, who do the jobs of fifteen people for the barely the pay of one person, who smile and celebrate every weekend with happy couples and their families even though you’re going through unspeakable heartache, to those of you that sincerely pour your time, energy, hearts, and souls into your client’s happiness while both miraculously and simultaneously still being able to be kind and supportive of other wedding vendors, this is my standing ovation to you. Absolutely well done, you are the unicorns of wedding industry. It’s an honor and privilege to work with you.

That said.

To those of you who have sat yourselves upon thrones of self importance, balancing precariously on the massive dung heap of vintage furniture, hipster tears, WeddingWire awards, and broken dreams that make up most of the wedding industry while visions of getting published in Martha Stewart Weddings prance in your heads, allow me to give you the Information Needed To Make Good Choices When Working With Me. (I.N.T.M.G.C.W.W.W.M.)

  1. You will never, for any purpose, use my photos of the couple/your venue/anything without my written consent, or I and my copyright lawyer will come at you like an entire troop of spider monkeys with uncontrollable, explosive bowels, both in the courtroom and on social media. It’s illegal to do so, regardless of what your “contract” says, or how much it makes your bus struggle. Asking nicely works wonders, promise.
  2. I do not eat vendor meals. They are an embarrassment to both food in general and human decency. I eat within eyesight of my couple, counted in the reception count for what the guests eat. It’s in my contract. If you attempt to argue this point during the reception, you will be referred to the bride, whom will have already been aware of this fact for months. And as your corporate, All Vendors Are Lowly Scum mindset gets briefly interrupted in a public and inglorious way, I’ll most likely be eating a Breadstick Not Meant For Vendor Scum and pondering the delicious flavors therein. #omnomnom
  3. Absolutely all decisions regarding photography are between the bride and myself. Also in my contract. I do not acknowledge nor will I abide by timelines that I have not personally gone through with the couple for their wedding photography. Under no circumstances will any vendor of any kind attempt to direct, coerce, threaten, river dance, dab, Harlem Shake, or interfere in any way whatsoever during couples or family portraits. All photography will cease completely if this rule is ignored, until either an angry wedding party and/or family removes the disturbance.

Short version, if you’re kind and treat my couples well, we’ll get along splendidly. If you’re the arrogant, condescending type that shoves your couples through wedding days like cattle and treats other vendors like you really *do* have a giant, golden spoon lodged in unspeakable places, I (and most likely the entire wedding party) will haunt your shady wedding vendor dreams for all eternity.